Just trying to get through the days.
Yesterday I was just in a world of my own and felt overwhelmed with sadness. It consumed me. I didnt want to speak, I didn't want to eat, I vomited, I was sweaty, I was not myself. I told my husband just so he knew what was going on through my mind that I was feeling sad, but he put it down to hormones and potentially I am about to get my period, and to be honest I probably am but the speed that the sadness hit me was gut wrenching.
I have been having weekly blood tests since my last pregnancy loss, which was a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Unfortunately it was quite a rare experience and I have had to had weekly blood tests to make sure but Beta HCG levels are declining, which finally today I was told I am OK and I now only have to have a blood test once a month for 6 months. YAY- NOT.
I have also been advised not to fall pregnant within the next 12 months which was hard to swallow because we were really hoping to have a baby and now I have to wait another year and ontop of that what if something bad happens again and sets us back again. I dont know if I could handle another setback or trauma.
I know its something I dont have to make a decision on now but I am so scared to fall pregnant again but I know in my heart I want another child. I think about it every day and then I feel sick and then my world comes crashing down.
I wish people could understand how I am feeling and that some days I am happy and some days I feel like not getting out of bed and for people to just understand and let me. I know if I spoke with my boss he would totally let me stay in bed all day and cry or whatever I needed to do. But how often can I do that before I get into trouble.
Anyway I just needed to write something down today as I feel sad, really sad.
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