I have wanted to start a blog since losing my baby back in 2023, just so I had somewhere that I could write down my thoughts and potentially reach other mums that have suffered a loss like mine and connect in some way.
I have 2 living children, a 10 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. I was then pregnant with my 3rd child when at 33 weeks we received the devastating news that our Theo had no heart-beat. It was one of the biggest shocks I think you could ever feel as a parent of 2 healthy babies with no complications and especially since the 3rd pregnancy was pretty easy.
With the shock slowly fading we had to arrange for the still-birth of our baby which takes over 3 days from finding out as you need to take this medication to soften the cervix and prepare your body for labour. I was pretty scared for the delivery and really wanted a c-section but I am thankful now my Dr at the time talked me into having a natural birth since the recovery time would be minimal. And both my previous births were so quick and I recovered quite well so it was just the better option for me. My team of Drs and Nurses at the Hospital were fantastic and all fears I had were taken away knowing I could pick any type of pain relief I wanted as to not feel the birth.
Delivery Theo was emotional but also beautiful in a way I don't think I could ever describe properly to someone but I will try my best. As I said before I laboured and birthed so well in my first two pregnancies so I expected this one to be quick. The nurses didn't believe me just how quick and after my first round of induction medication I started to have really severe contractions. I was feeling them intensely so I opted for some gas, which I had never had before, and it took me to a place of calm and nostalgia. I would close my eyes and be inside my womb with my unborn child and we were laying net to each other, we talked, I cried, and finally he said to me "Mum I am ready to come out now" and I opened my eyes, told the nurse he was ready and they looked down under the blanket and I had already started to deliver him. He was born and taken from us to be wrapped up and brought back over to me and he was beautiful and he looked so peaceful and my memory of us connecting stayed with me all day and night. It was a special moment we got to spend together even if it was not real, it was the most real thing I had felt in days.
I remember telling my mum and my husband what had happened whilst I was using the gas and it brought tears to my mums eyes. My husband was sceptical but aren't all husbands?
My baby was here, he was not alive but we were together. The time was hard but with all the love and support from the staff, our family and our friends we got through it. I will forever be in debt to the people who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives
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