Sadness creeps in so unexpectedly

 Just trying to get through the days.

Yesterday I was just in a world of my own and felt overwhelmed with sadness. It consumed me. I didnt want to speak, I didn't want to eat, I vomited, I was sweaty, I was not myself. I told my husband just so he knew what was going on through my mind that I was feeling sad, but he put it down to hormones and potentially I am about to get my period, and to be honest I probably am but the speed that the sadness hit me was gut wrenching. 

I have been having weekly blood tests since my last pregnancy loss, which was a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Unfortunately it was quite a rare experience and I have had to had weekly blood tests to make sure but Beta HCG levels are declining, which finally today I was told I am OK and I now only have to have a blood test once a month for 6 months. YAY- NOT.

I have also been advised not to fall pregnant within the next 12 months which was hard to swallow because we were really hoping to have a baby and now I have to wait another year and ontop of that what if something bad happens again and sets us back again. I dont know if I could handle another setback or trauma. 

I know its something I dont have to make a decision on now but I am so scared to fall pregnant again but I know in my heart I want another child. I think about it every day and then I feel sick and then my world comes crashing down. 

I wish people could understand how I am feeling and that some days I am happy and some days I feel like not getting out of bed and for people to just understand and let me. I know if I spoke with my boss he would totally let me stay in bed all day and cry or whatever I needed to do. But how often can I do that before I get into trouble. 

Anyway I just needed to write something down today as I feel sad, really sad. 

My birth story - Trigger Warner - Still Birth

I have wanted to start a blog since losing my baby back in 2023, just so I had somewhere that I could write down my thoughts and potentially reach other mums that have suffered a loss like mine and connect in some way. 

I have 2 living children, a 10 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. I was then pregnant with my 3rd child when at 33 weeks we received the devastating news that our Theo had no heart-beat. It was one of the biggest shocks I think you could ever feel as a parent of 2 healthy babies with no complications and especially since the 3rd pregnancy was pretty easy. 

With the shock slowly fading we had to arrange for the still-birth of our baby which takes over 3 days from finding out as you need to take this medication to soften the cervix and prepare your body for labour. I was pretty scared for the delivery and really wanted a c-section but I am thankful now my Dr at the time talked me into having a natural birth since the recovery time would be minimal. And both my previous births were so quick and I recovered quite well so it was just the better option for me. My team of Drs and Nurses at the Hospital were fantastic and all fears I had were taken away knowing I could pick any type of pain relief I wanted as to not feel the birth.

Delivery Theo was emotional but also beautiful in a way I don't think I could ever describe properly to someone but I will try my best. As I said before I laboured and birthed so well in my first two pregnancies so I expected this one to be quick. The nurses didn't believe me just how quick and after my first round of induction medication I started to have really severe contractions. I was feeling them intensely so I opted for some gas, which I had never had before, and it took me to a place of calm and nostalgia. I would close my eyes and be inside my womb with my unborn child and we were laying net to each other, we talked, I cried, and finally he said to me "Mum I am ready to come out now" and I opened my eyes, told the nurse he was ready and they looked down under the blanket and I had already started to deliver him. He was born and taken from us to be wrapped up and brought back over to me and he was beautiful and he looked so peaceful and my memory of us connecting stayed with me all day and night. It was a special moment we got to spend together even if it was not real, it was the most real thing I had felt in days. 

I remember telling my mum and my husband what had happened whilst I was using the gas and it brought tears to my mums eyes. My husband was sceptical but aren't all husbands? 

My baby was here, he was not alive but we were together. The time was hard but with all the love and support from the staff, our family and our friends we got through it. I will forever be in debt to the people who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives